A few months ago I finally got my OB-gyn check-up booked. I had been putting it off.
We had moved to a new country.
I didn’t have any problems.
We needed to get private health insurance.
Taking care of things in a foreign language (with Google translator) takes a lot of energy and effort. Even when you speak the same language the systems are different and you know all that paperwork is complicated and time-consuming, frustrating.
These were my excuses and the reason why I procrastinated with getting the insurance, pushing this, and my other health check-ups last on the list.
Then I got this feeling.
Sensing I would need to take care of the insurance for the whole family, someone could/would get sick. I’ve learned to listen to my intuition and that it’s better to follow it than berate myself later.
When the doctor scanned my breasts I noticed a painful spot under the pressure. I mentioned it but she didn't hear me or ignored me but kept scanning and said everything was okay.
I felt so GOOD and proud really that I had taken care of myself and forgot about it.
A couple of weeks later on one Sunday evening, I remembered it again.
I found a pea size lump from my right breast.
It was not painful but I was sure it had not been there before.
A wave of emotions and fear went through my body.
My immediate thought; I can’t go through this now. I’d been afraid of something like this happening. I’ve seen close people fighting cancer and their lives.
I’ve been working with clients who are going through cancer or have recovered from cancers like breast cancer, so I was aware of the common emotional patterns related to it; breasts represent nurturing.
When there’s a problem with breasts it often is about over-nurturing others, external, and lacking the self-nurturing, abandoning one’s needs for a reason or another.
The brain influences the body. The stress is in the body, not in the mind.
The environment we live in influences our physical health, our psyche. The energy we are living in is contagious.
Our genes matter but in the end, it’s life and the mind that triggers the issues. Why someone who has the genetic vulnerability for a certain disease doesn’t get sick? Some diseases, like all holisims, are not physically passed on but still they “run in the family.”
The emotions, conditioning, the learned generational patterns –-> when the same that doesn’t do good for us goes on long enough, the mind-body, the nervous system reacts.
I already knew painfully well that:
I had not been nurturing myself well enough but put everyone and everything before myself, feeling I don’t get back what I give...
I had not listened to myself but put myself under the pressure and situations that didn’t do good for me…
I felt that I owed other people and tried to compensate it... it’s a lot to carry.
I needed and wanted comfort and should give myself permission to face the reality and make courageous decisions and choose myself more often…
I had to choose myself a lot more, stop taking responsibility for others that much, and trust everything would be fine without me trying to control what is not under my control…
About 1,5 years ago I started healing the co-dependent habits I suddenly figured I had.
When I looked back to my past it made all sense to me; people-pleasing, love addiction, allergies, why I had got into this sunken place...
Along my healing journey, I faced lifelong victimhood, deep fear of abandonment and rejection (anger, resentment, smallness, and sadness it came with), and the root causes of why I felt so unsafe.
I wondered how I had lost myself? I had to go way back and dive deep into healing my soul.
It happens slowly, nibbling us internally, our habits change as we are not aware of them. Or have a tendency to avoid reality.
As an empath, helper and recovering perfectionist, and kind of a trained people-pleaser I had abandoned my boundaries, my truth, and who I was.
In difficult times I felt others needed me more and I can easily hold space for others, smooth their path, help them when they needed me.
So when I found the pea I first felt depressed...
The inner work, coaching and healing I had been doing had worked miracles for me, so of course, I asked – why is this happening, what else I could do?
I felt empowered, I had good boundaries and I had a break through the blocks related to self-expression and visibility.
I was on my quest of helping all the women in the world to heal what I had healed and had worked hard for making big changes, to have my next level of dreams and desires real.
I had all the fears running in my mind. I let myself feel it all, wrote in my journal.
I cried, I felt all that deep sadness and fears: How my daughter had to be living without her mother… How I thought I had a lot life ahead of me and purpose to fulfill…
Behind the feelings I found acceptance, strength, and peace… whatever it was, I’d deal with it.
If cancer was supposed to be on my journey I’d do what I need and could.
On Monday morning I called a doctor who saw me the next day.
Nothing to worry about, she said lightly. It was under the skin, seems like healthy tissue.
She sent me home with the advice to come back in a couple of months if it was not gone.
I did but I took it seriously, as a sign. The body doesn’t lie.
I started nurturing myself more, praising myself more… giving that gentle loving inner care and attention I had craved.
I went back to practicing self-love consciously, soothing the child inside of me, and taught a masterclass to help others do so as well.
I focused on loving my body, my temple, for it’s intelligence, health, support and strength - I visualized it shrinking every day.
I continued deeply connecting with the best version of myself by healing more shadows that revealed the strong successful woman I still was and the absolutely new better version of HER: the one who feels safe to be powerful, successful and happy as herself.
So what was the meaning of this health scare?
Reminding me not to focus too much on others, not to wait for external changes, but to listen to MYSELF and do what I feel.
I sensed it could have been a lot worse without all the work I had done.
Like my body was releasing nearly over four decades of stress, fear, and tension and therefore developed a symptom. Sometimes we get a cold when we give ourselves permission to relax when the holiday starts.
I’ve seen this pattern with others as well.
Cancer is often related to resentment and anger that is eating the body from inside (Louise Hay).
It felt like this episode was a grande finale of this healing journey I have been through.
It continues, in some ways every day, as it has already been for over a decade now.
A couple of weeks ago I got a feeling, an inner realization again.
It’s over, I am free.
I had risen into my power and revised the new identity, independence — giving the permission to be the one who I am and keep fulfilling my purpose, in a new way.
I felt free in my body, free energetically and as I checked in again; the pea was gone.
A moment to celebrate and a moment to remember.
Our obstacles often remind us what is important, and meaningful and what really matters — what we can be grateful for.
Have you been sacrificing or neglecting something that is important to you?
If you have been put off your healthcare, your needs and duties towards yourself, book those appointments, get help, get support and take care of yourself now– on a mental, emotional, physical, professional, and spiritual level.
Your wellbeing is the foundation of everything else.
You first, then the others. From that place, you can give and receive healthily and be the best version of who you are.
Much love, Jenni
