From dusk till dawn: My first thanksgiving gets dark

We are waiting for the taxis to pick us up. Everyone looks beautiful and glowing.

There’s excitement in the air. We take a lot of pictures. We all have dressed up to celebrate Thanksgiving at Agung’s house who has been organizing our Sunday field trips around Bali and invited all of us, almost 30 people to his house.

I talk with Mirna, whose nickname is magic, for a reason. I admire her gorgeous earrings. They are golden and inside the earrings, there’s a golden Hamsa hand on the emerald green background.

Suddenly she says, “You know what I give them to you. You need to learn how to receive.” I’m astounded and of course, try to humbly say I can’t receive such a generous gift from her. It didn’t say I want them!

She insists and almost hesitates but follows through with her instincts. 

I put the earrings on right away. I want all the protection they can offer for me. They go well with my dress. 

It is my first Thanksgiving ever. 

At the end of November, we are almost at the end of our month-long journey where we gathered together to a retreat to write the first drafts of our novels, memoirs, or scripts. 

The month has been challenging in every way. I got a nasty Bali belly twice. Something you can’t really avoid when you come here, it happened to me on my previous trip too. 

I’ve been going through massive resistance and emotional havoc that has forced me to face my fears. I have struggled with myself but I have shown up for myself and sat down to write my story every day, no matter what.

Mastin’s coaching has been adding to it. On day one he wanted to crack us open and didn’t have to do much to make it happen. I’ve been doing yoga every day, journaling, and meditating to stay centered and grounded.   

I feel transformed and proud of myself, like a whole new person after living three weeks in this weird, healthy, spiritual vegan bubble in Ubud with all these women. 

It was nothing less than I expected. 

The ways the retreat showed up, and how I found Mastin from the USA, and how I knew I needed to follow the strong intuition and come to Bali to write my story and make my hidden dream to become an author real.

I knew my life was going to change, and a whole new portal would open up for me.

It was not the first time I was facing this kind of momentum when my dreams were becoming real so powerfully. It’s always been a bit scary to understand how powerful I am that I can consciously make things happen.

It all had started when I had decided to leave my career and follow my heart, my creativity, and my inner voice. 

Still, coming here had been a big, scary leap to the unknown as following our dreams is.

The sun is setting as we arrived at Agung’s house. It’s a beautiful place, the house is huge. He has born to one of the higher casts which means they have wealth. 

He is giving us an introduction to Balinese culture and Hinduism. 

His daughters perform Balinese dance with those beautiful costumes on. The music, the lights, the stars in the night sky, and their perfect movement make the moment magical. 

Agung’s wife has prepared an American-style Thanksgiving dinner. The table looks glorious, there’s everything, including Balinese delicacies. 

Everyone is so excited and almost emotional about food. We have all missed home, our loved ones and of course, thanksgiving is a huge holiday for Americans. 

TheRE’S big turkey in the middle of the table. Its roasted head is still pointing up to the ceiling.

That’s terrifying, almost disgusting for some people. 

I actually like the way they respect the animal that way-- showing it all and using it all. I’m used to cooking whole chickens and fish so I find some reactions amusing. We all love to close our eyes to reality sometimes. 

After dinner, we make a circle and share what we are grateful for. 

I hate taking the space and getting the attention. I feel so insecure about my accent and especially when I’m sharing personal stuff with others, which makes me emotional and it’s even harder to speak up. I’m in such a raw place, cracked open. 

But I don’t have any other possibilities than doing it. I can’t hide, I have put myself in this situation. This month I’ve been courageously facing challenge after challenge that has mostly been internal.

I say I am grateful for the first Thanksgiving and I am grateful for the experience, the evening, and the people. I finally feel I was belonging and accepted and free to be who I am.

I am grateful to have faith that I am guided in the right direction. My faith muscles have grown during the trip, I feel confident about myself and my unknown future. 

I am grateful for the transition I was going through.

I am ready to leave Finland, as I strongly felt it was time to go forward and I felt strongly that moving to New York was going to happen.

I had left my career a while ago and followed my dreams and passions step by step. 

Before I left Finland I had followed another inner lead and pitched a book for a Finnish publisher. They had offered me a book deal and the negotiations were continuing to after my trip. 

I am beyond grateful and excited about the opportunity of sharing another story and what I had learned about conscious, mindful living.

What I don’t share out loud is that I’m grateful for all the magic, meeting my partner and that we are possibly getting married in two weeks. 

Even that is uncertain and completely dependable on the move. I wonder if we would get married even the moving wouldn’t happen for some reason. It’s a huge step for me and I always thought it would happen differently, maybe in a more special, romantic way. I feel overwhelmed and so nervous making that kind of commitment to anyone.  

We come back to the hotel. It is so dark and raining heavily. 

My partner has sent me an update about his negotiations. Suddenly I feel really anxious, confused, annoyed.

The weird dark energy is taking over. I feel uncertain what are the next best steps for me. 

Can I really trust him? Myself? Us? 

All my dreams are coming real, it feels like it’s too much but also like a reward after all those years of suffering.

Moving to New York would mean I would be financially dependable on him until I would get myself settled, my coaching business set up and running in a new country, where I didn’t know much of anyone else than most of these women. Visas would be sponsored by his company. 

I have never even visited New York before. Intuitively I have known for a while already it is my city and I would be working in the USA at some point, but I’m not sure about anything anymore. I was curious to see how it all would happen but I never thought it would happen this quickly.

I sit with my feelings. I feel out of control, controlled by others and the circumstances and that makes me feel scared. Afraid to lose my independence, my power, and my freedom which is one of my highest values. I am afraid I am going to lose myself again. 

It has been happening to me in all my previous relationships and I have become a different person after committing to a relationship, slowly focusing on them rather than myself.

It’s been an automatic reaction and behavior, like internal coding in my that forces me to become a woman who focuses on nurturing their man, their health, their wellbeing. Even taking care of their emotions and issues. I had lost myself completely in my previous relationship and had promised I would never let that happen again. 

I now know I can’t be happy if I don’t feel free. 

We have known each other for only a year. Is there enough love to carry us through the challenging times we haven’t even encountered yet? 

****

Happy Thanksgiving!

Much love, Jenni

This chapter is one chapter of the first draft of the book that I wrote in Bali in 2014 with Mastin Kipp and 27 wonderful ladies, with one wonderful man, and amazing writing coaches. I am beyond grateful today to have had the courage to open up the book again and start working on it.

If you are ready to get unstuck and make your dreams and goals real consciously I’m launching a very limited-time Black Friday offer with my newsletter readers on 26/11 that you don’t want to miss! Sign up to get the emails below.

One step at a time

The whole idea was so outrageous that it was amusing me. I couldn’t even imagine how I could make it happen without miracles. I just thought, "Aha, how interesting." Then I added playfully, "Well, if it is meant to be, show me the way. I promise to follow, I have made my commitments to make this world happier place."

About three years ago I got an idea of the story I would need to write and publish some day. It was not a blog but a full book. The story should be written in English and first published in USA. It was quite challenging idea for a Finnish girl who had only published couple of blogs in Finnish. It was pretty wild idea for a girl who had just started to create her own journey and had consciously stopped adrift in her life. I knew I was not ready for it yet, so I left it to brew and forgot the whole thing.

During that time life had basically forced me to start doing the changes I had secretly dreamt about for years and stubbornly resisted. I didn’t have detailed plan of what exactly I was desiring to achieve but I trusted I would find it along the way. And no, it was not as easy as it sounds: I was about to change my whole life, give up of the external identity I had created along the years and dig out the authentic me and be happier than ever. It was not going to be a one month project.

My aim is still not to encourage people to leave their day job right away and jump to the freezing financial uncertainty, like I ended up doing without a security net or sponsors. No, we all don’t want to or need to do the same things. But I have to say finances will be found when they are needed when you're willing to do the things you have a calling for. Do the easiest and smallest changes – take a course and test drive the ideas. See how it feels and be willing to be open and curious. One step at a time. 

So me, the busy business girl who I had become, started to blog about my journey after I took the first step towards what was truly calling me, and signed up for a yoga teacher training in Nicaragua. All that encouraging support from the family and friends "you have to do what makes you happy" and how everything was organized so smoothly gave me confidence I could lead my life to right direction and my other foot was already out from the office door. I kept affirming: take one step at a time and the next steps will be exposed to you.

When you're driving, you can't you really see what is behind the curve, but you know the road is continuing and it will take you to your destination, so you keep driving.

I wanted to share my journey on the blog and encourage the other people to see it would be possible to do the wanted changes in their life and create the life they truly want live — there were so many overachievers like me struggling with their stressful, unbalanced and unsatisfied lives. I didn’t really want to expose my personal life but the pressure, the beep and the calling was strongly demanding me to write. It is the roar of creativity.

So I wrote almost ten blogs in two weeks time before I left to my training. After I published my first blog and shared it on my Facebook I ran out from the house. I was shaking when I sneaked back to see what people would say and afraid they would they persecute me and think that I’ve gone crazy. But they didn’t. Or none said it out loud to me. One step at a time my confidence as a writer grew.

But the big story, the idea of that book, took a big step ahead sooner than I thought. After two years when I started writing and creating my own path, I wrote the first draft of that book in Bali in Mastin Kipp’s Writers Mastermind retreat and amazing coaches and fellow writers. I had followed his inspirational work for some time and learnt a lot through him. When I saw his post about the retreat I just instinctually knew I had to get there, no matter what. Again in the miraculous ways and again I managed to get everything organized. But not without facing any challenges or fears along the year I waited for that trip.

Remember and feel the original intuition, it will take you somewhere great. I had to step back to that intuitive feeling many times during the year when the suspicious ego wanted to play small and take the control. I have to say, money is not an issue when you are willing to follow your calling. So again I had got everything organized and I traveled to Bali for a month. I had amazing time finalizing my transformation, which was one of the reasons I did the trip. And basically wrote my life to a better one and got the first version of my story done. It is still a work in progress.

Release everything you need to release. Receive everything you need to receive. Be patient.

Last weekend I participated on the Hay House Writer’s workshop in New York and I found my original spark of creativity and to work with my projects. I met amazing people, I need my kind of people and supporting peer group - writing and being self-employed can get lonely. 

I noticed how I had become overwhelmed by all the work I really want to do and create. I had almost lost the motivation as I tried to do and rush too many things at the same time without proper planning, routines and consistency and my goals felt like unreachable chaos — I was pushing on a string. I heard myself priesting to my coaching clients about the patience and how things will happen on time. I stopped to listen my own words and took the advice too. 

I'm still looking for my niche. I'm close but finding it requires releasing of some old habits and beliefs, which then creates space for the new. It needs work, eagerness and courage to test some of the new ideas. Without a doubt there will be many lessons to learn and challenges to tackle that will lift me on the next level.  

I have told to quite for a few people about my dream that Hay House would publish my story. Last weekend I realized I don’t need to worry about the publishing now. I will get my stories out in a way or another. Then when the time is right. There are possibilities, multiple options to publish in this digital world. I understood all I want is to do the work and concentrate to put my message on the paper - then I’ll see where it leads. Lightly, one step at a time.

With love, Jenni

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