I used to spend my weekends from recovering the stressful overbusy workweek.
With my colleagues, we joked that we should measure each other's heart rates to see who had worked the hardest and had the busiest work week.
I often experienced arrhythmia on Fridays. I was barely in my thirties.
On Saturdays, I woke up feeling groggy and exhausted, both mentally and physically. If I hadn’t a slight hangover from winding the week down with wine.
On Sundays, I felt better but anticipated Mondays and the breathless busy work week again.
My friends knew I didn’t like Sundays. They didn’t know that it was because I felt depressed and so dull and low in energy on those days.
But I didn’t know any other way to work, to be, to live.
I didn’t even believe I could feel good, calm, and soothe my emotions and stress levels quickly. I couldn’t think of other ways to live because my mindset and beliefs were so limited.
I had started going to yoga a few years before. Breathing properly once a week and opening up my stiff, stressed-out body felt amazing.
I felt the shame of my stiffness, barely able to do poses, but did it anyway, even though I thought it’d take forever to get those steel-like muscles to melt. It was the best way to learn self-acceptance.
After the class, I walked home slowly.
Feeling so balanced, calm, and happy, hoping the good feeling would stay a little longer.
But it always vanished. Even years later.
My teacher tried to encourage me to start a meditation practice at home.
I said I didn’t know how but mainly, it was more about not knowing how to be with myself, face my thoughts, and all of myself in the quietness.
It felt scary, too vulnerable, weird and uncomfortable.
Like I didn’t want to allow, myself to relax and feel good as I was. I was so used to being stressed out.
To help with the stress and melt the tension. I had great resistance to it. I said I don’t know how to do it right, but I was afraid to face my thoughts and feelings - me - and what would come up, how it would change me.
A couple of years later, IT happened.
Something I had anticipated and been afraid of: I dropped on the couch. I was completely burned out, struggling with insomnia and myself hard.
I realized the external would never change if I wouldn’t. I needed to take back control from all the over giving.
Then I was ready to start breathing and take time for myself, prioritize myself and get to know who I really was.
A couple of years later, I had a new exciting job and separated from a long-time relationship. I had all the time to work and decided to focus on my career; I was often the last one at the office, somehow thinking work needed me.
With new social networks and hobbies, I kept myself distracted and busy without being able to see myself or feel my feelings.
Soon I was suffering from insomnia and continuous respiratory infections.
I knew I was not well, afraid that I would drop on the couch.
It happened after a short work trip to Paris.
I didn’t know what to do or who could help, but I knew I needed to do something.
I didn’t have peers or trusted mentors or coaches who to turn to; coaching was not there yet.
I just couldn’t talk about it at work.
The doctor was not able to help other than medically. I tried therapy.
One said I needed to get better friends and I’d find new love soon.
The other one said at the first appointment that I should think of my biological clock. I felt there was a time bomb inside of me.
Conception was not exactly the first thing on my mind. Part of the burnout was the end of the 7-year relationship, which felt like a divorce.
I walked out of the room.
Feeling alone, helpless, and so misunderstood, unseen. I jumped in my car and felt my blood pressure was so high, my heart was racing. I was angry.
Some signs of burnout are:
Feeling abandoned and cynical, and often believing they have to take care of everything, they numb and sabotage unhealthy habits and substances because it’s an anxious and lonely place to be.
So I sat on that couch and started listening to myself and learned to breathe properly also outside of the yoga room.
I thought of changing the job but realized it was not the solution; I’d still be working the same way.
Also, I was still deciding whether to change everything in my life at once.
I dreamed about freedom and life beyond my ability to believe in it fully but it was not the time to take the leap. It was time to focus on my well-being and heal properly, focus on my relationship with myself and get to know who I was.
It helped me get my life force back, and a lot more.
I wanted to keep what I had, my lifestyle, work, income, and give myself time to let the future unfold at its own pace. And it did, but not until three years later.
I decided I’d find a way to heal and feel myself again.
Are you with me?
Much love, Jenni
P.S. If you are ready to get rid of continuous exhaustion or recover from burnout patterns for good, and take back control of your work-life, here are some options:
1. Start by Signing up to get the Clarity Life Inventory Workbook
2. Book a 30-minute Clarity Call with me
