Sounds familiar??
I see this happening with many of my clients, mom friends, people in demanding jobs... and occasionally slip back to it myself.
When my daughter was a baby everybody asked, and still are, how is she sleeping, and I still say it’s not her, or the baby, but me who did not choose myself and my well-being and sleep by going to bed early and allowing myself REST, do nothing.
The late-night “relaxation” and revenging is often related to self-sabotaging, I’m not enough/unworthy patterns, hiding feelings or escaping the reality- the jobs we hate, the relationship we struggle with and want to avoid real intimacy with all that doing, the resentment with the kids we silently think about them "stealing all our time" (let's bring some honesty here)...
So... in the evening when all the things are done, kids are in bed and the kitchen shines (or doesn't), we think we reward ourselves by watching the movie for 5 minutes at the midnight with one-eye open and try to fool ourselves that we actually took time for ourselves.
This is what one of my mom-entrepreneur clients said. She struggled hard with time management, productivity, and emotional issues without having any time for herself. It was not true either.
There's often a belief related to this that one is not deserving, worthy, or motivated enough (personally or professionally) to be the most energetic, best and brightest version of oneself. And "it's not possible" take time for herself during the daytime to recharge, and rest- which is also a time management issue that stems from the root cause.
Taking time in the middle of the day for exercising, self-care, and more of it after work too was an energetical game-changer for me. It helped because I didn't feel that obligated to do that late at night and most of the time it didn't happen. So I was not feeling resentful, guilty, and constantly battling with self-betrayal, putting up so much pressure on the evenings. It also was a key to boosting my productivity and ability to flow, yes resting, taking time off (there are many studies about this, the relaxed brain is brilliant, efficient, easygoing and productive).
After putting Stella to bed, I often end up lying on the floor and meditating, and wrapping up the day because that silence is the most fulfilling and her dark room relaxes me.
Recently I've also been watching Gray's Anatomy. It's silly and non-sense, it soothes and relaxes my busy brain. After 10 years, I was able to catch up to season 15 easily, no brainer 😃
When we prioritize ourselves, listen to ourselves, and do things based on that- that's when the heavens open. We can feel whole, happy, balanced and clear, that we got this.
How to change?
🌟 First become aware of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors. Just observe when you get to the wrong track to become conscious of the pattern.
🌟 A short breathing, quieting down break after work before you start your evening, go home, get your kids, meet your spouse, friends ... is helpful to make the transition smooth, get your body and your mindset aligned with the evening.
We all want to show up for others as our best selves but often miss this part and then think what's wrong with us as we are so cranky (missing headspace).
🌟 Set intentions for the days AND evenings. You can do this kind of mini-plan many times a day in those transitions (before work, meetings, ending your workday, starting family time).
🌟 Ask yourself is that what you feel like doing when you feel overwhelmed by all the options and when you only have a tiny bit of time. Do that.
🌟 When it happens that you get back to your old habits and the autopilot takes over and you scroll/stay up/Netflix/write your journal with one eye open when it’s already too late and the guilt-tripping has started)... be willing to get clarity and ask:
What purpose is your behavior serving?
What might you need to deal with if this problem was resolved?
What would become possible for you if become free from it?
These little things help you feel that you clearly CHOOSE yourself.
When we constantly put and prioritize others before our own needs and wants, it feels like a self-betrayal that causes so much anger, and you silently or loudly blame others they will never give you THAT what you sacrifice for them. Kids are included in this, they unconsciously get their part from all this and that just causes more guilt.
So why don't you choose yourself, your wellbeing, your health your energy???
The truth is it's the little heart inside you who needs all THAT love, care, tenderness from you. Then you can receive it from the others.
Then it’s possible to choose you and make a decision for yourself and your wellbeing. 😘
Image by Victoria Heath from Unplash