When you over-give, you probably lack boundaries, and it can feel like someone is taking advantage of you, rejecting you, or even bullying you- somehow using you and your kindness for their benefit.
Also, it often feels that you need to bend, please and prioritize other people’s emotions over yours- like you don’t matter, which is quite frustrating.
This can create an unwanted fight, flight or freeze reaction that triggers your old hurt, anger, and unhealed wounds.
You might believe that you get back the same by giving a lot.
A typical example is a couple repeating the same arguments, stories, and blames repeatedly. Then there's peace for a little while; you hope you got over it, and then the same hopeless painful cycle happens again.
Another example would be that you have worked hard for your project but still didn't get the promised raise. You feel frozen in the situation and don't know what to do, so you don't do anything, but it increases resentment and injustice.
Or you raise your fees, and in the sales calls, you slip the old fee or give them a discount without them even asking for it, and later you want to bite your tongue and try to work with your mindset, but that's not helping.
The third example could be that whenever you try to make your child do something you have asked for, and they are not doing it, you lose your nerve and start yelling, which doesn't work either. It only adds up guilt and makes you feel powerless and tense.
All this makes your mind conspire about the old stories of how they are impossible, things won't ever change, and you can't do anything about it.
This is when people feel stuck and hopeless and start struggling with insecurities and confidence.
All you want is connection, comfort, and feel safe and knowing how to change your situation.
This is possible, but repeating the same doesn’t work.
We need to look deeper and work with our inner dialogue and strategies rather than trying to force the change and yell louder to be seen and heard- to feel that we matter and to get what we truly desire.
What keeps us repeating the SAME harmful and painful patterns comes from the unconscious mind: earlier in life, we learn the dynamics that we repeat decades later.
If we are unaware of our inner dialogue, unable to heal and accept our past experiences, our super fast and powerful brain repeats the learned behaviors and old limiting stories every time the right emotions are triggered.
THAT keeps us stuck and struggling- if it's not consciously released.
Here's one example.
One of my clients struggled with the fear of rejection and conflict.
She was afraid of confrontation and speaking up her mind.
This caused her issues at work, she never got support from her bosses, and her professional knowledge was not recognized or praised, verbally or financially.
In her relationships, she ended up pleasing others and giving away her power in different situations, being a nice, good girl who could not keep any boundaries that would fulfill her real needs.
In her childhood, she was constantly rejected by her strict father, overpowered to obey, and shouted quiet. She learned that being quiet and doing her own things without sharing with anyone, feeling that she did not belong anywhere.
Certain events related to her father in her childhood caused her never to learn to trust others fully, not even friends.
She felt disconnected from her relationships and socially isolated. She played it safe and picked people who were unavailable in one way or another. And, of course, she could not get the closeness and the love she wanted and needed.
When we finished working with her, she released the need for fear. She felt at ease in expressing herself and her needs calmly, without the old anger bursts she had.
She was able to recognize her own self-worth and value with high confidence, and therefore was able to set boundaries not only help her but her partner and family.
Even in situations that could cause confrontations, she was able to speak up, knowing the other people were responsible for their emotions and reactions, and understanding that their responses are also led by their own learned stories.
That helped her make life-long changes in all areas of life.
Do you have clear, healthy boundaries with yourself, with your spouse, your kids, and at work?
Here are three questions that can help you stop over-giving and start receiving:
In what situations do you lack boundaries or over-give, or neglect your own needs?
How does it make you feel when this happens?
Where and how did you learn this?
How do you want to change and be?
What kind of boundaries do you need to set for yourself?
How can you practice receiving more?
Without clarity, you can't see things clearly and make any changes, so if this resonates, take time to work through these questions.
P.S. If it feels like other people or your unwanted behaviors and blocks control your life too much, and you are ready to get your power back, I can help. Feel free to book a clarity call with me. I this call we create clarity in your situation and make a plan how to change things around.