I didn't know I suffered from anxiety before I became a mother.

On my first Mother’s day, a few months after my daughter was born, I realized I was going through something more intensive than just the normal levels of overwhelm, and anxiety.

I woke up happy and excited.

I got everything I had silently wished for: a lovely breakfast, time together, a beautiful candle as a gift.

I cried when I heard “you’re such a good mother” as it felt so good to get the recognition I had craved.

Later on that day we went to the park, it was the first warm spring day. I had all the reasons to be happy.

Suddenly anxiety took control of me. I felt so restless, uncomfortable in my own skin, angry, panicky, and trying to control things and push the growing emotions away.

I was sent home and I tried to rest but cried as I couldn’t calm myself down. Me who had over 10 years of meditation practice, and knowing so much about anxiety through my work.

I felt guilty, impostor and helpeless.

I then started realizing I was going through something more than normal emotions and behavior that I couldn’t get through on my own.

I Googled about postpartum anxiety and it all rang the bell.

In general, I felt out of control, like everything and everyone was controlling me and my life that had changed completely.
I felt I can't handle and control my emotions by feeling them away like I normally do.
I was worrying a lot, living in the future or the past.

Before things were getting better they got worse, like they sometimes do.

I started getting panic attacks out of the blue while walking on the street on my own or having lunch by myself.

It was difficult for me to relax and trust the process and fully enjoy my life and time with the baby without thinking of the next thing, my work and my business, our future.

I felt so unsafe, terrified, not able to understand what was going on with me.

I tried to overcontrol things and my overwhelming emotions.

While at the same time I super happy about my baby, she was more than welcomed, a dream come true.

I loved spending time with her.

It was very black and white like it is when we deal with subconscious patterns.

As I got help from my trusted therapists and healer and started focusing on healing myself, taking time for myself and recovering, I realized I had had anxiety since I was a child.

All this led me to a transformational healing journey that helped me improve many areas of life and make my desires real.

why all this triggered:

We had just moved to a new country, Germany. It was like a whole new planet after New York. 3 days after we moved in I knew I was expecting
My work had been validating me, and my value externally. I had always been looking for external validation- and of course, when this was “taken away” I missed the fulfilling feeling that my work had given to me
I still didn’t feel fully worthy, safe, successful, and lovable as I was, right there but I was always trying to achieve and earn it, in many ways
Motherhood, the schedules, and the sleeplessness and all those emotions and my own and the generational patterns from the past triggered the mother wound
The daily self-care practice that had been keeping me centered, sane and like my best self for years- was not existing even it would have been possible to squeeze it in: I didn’t do that when I had a chance but rushed to work, write, do the chores when I got a little bit time for myself

I didn’t really prioritize myself but was operating on that super mom mode and model most women learn from society and earlier generations.

I was surprised to see how this over-caring and over-nurturing “I can do everything and take care of everyone” role activated in me automatically, even I consider myself as a modern and independent woman.

Healing

I was able to heal the anxiety completely by doing the work with myself.

I was getting external help and using the tools and methods I have, working relentlessly with limiting beliefs, energy and tackling the patterns that showed up along the ways.
Anxiety was one reasons that caused me eczema I had suffered on and off since I was 12 years old.
I healed the past relationships, subconscious blocks with energy psychology, hypnotherapy, and shadow work. I was consciously and consistently healing the heart, mind, and my energy, the inner child in me that had been rejected and abandoned - all of it.
I became aware and broke the old patterns related to why I was not feeling safe and needed to control, but also generational patterns that had triggered it, the mother wounds.

Since then…

I am so so happy to share I am not waking up anxious anymore.

I don’t get those sudden anxiety attacks that make me clean or organize things obsessively to get myself organized.

I still feel anxious sometimes, I believe it's one feeling that we all have sometimes, but it doesn’t take control of me anymore.

The emotions pass and they stay topical, as I feel them away and don’t push or deny them.

The foundation, the bottom of the feeling is clear that’s how it feels and it feels safe, it’s lasting.

I'm not afraid to feel anxious or overwhelmed anymore.

All this was needed so I could recover, become the whole and empowered woman, mother, and entrepreneur that I am now, perfect as imperfect.

why am I sharing this

Mothers are afraid to share and communicate how they feel because no one wants anyone to think they are imperfect mothers and parents, or not loving or taking care of their children well.

As a hypnotherapist, I know how easily trauma is born and how easily we get conditioned and that terrified me what I was “doing” for my daughter. There was so much guilt and a lot of acceptance healed this.

The real reason why we don’t talk about these things that are actually quite common is simply that it requires vulnerability.

All that I went through is common.

I continuously work with myself when my daughter triggers patterns or intensive emotions in me, it’s not what she does or is but it’s how I react to things. That’s something I can control- me.

So I want to say that you are a good enough, loving, and caring mother and your children will be okay even you have issues and that you are not helpless or alone with them.

You have the power to help and heal yourself and your children will benefit from as much as you do.

That’s how you change the course of the future for your children- and how they will feel about themselves, as a child, adult, and later possibly as a parent- by breaking the patterns that may come far from previous generations.

first aid to anxiety is counterintuitive

By working and helping myself and my clients to heal anxiety, this is what I've learned:

The root cause, the emotional root of the anxiety is always about fears, fear of the future, fear of the unknown, fear of happiness.
Deep down the person doesn't somehow feel safe: Comfortable in their own skin, doesn't believe they are lovable, good enough to receive what they want with ease, hence overcontrolling, obsessing.
They can't trust the unknown, trust the process, surrender to be in the now but constantly thinking of the future, controlling the outcome, obsessing- they tried to keep control no matter what.
They try to control the anxiety, push it away, avoid facing the related issues, and as it's not possible it grows. It's a vicious cycle, I know.
Anxiety is often causing autoimmune disease, sensitivities, skin issues, allergies. For me it was eczema and sensitivities, rash was right on my face.

Be with anxiety, breathe through your anxiety, accept you are anxious, feel the anxiety, feel your fears, write them down- share the fact.

The fears never go away completely but you can change the relationship with them and your future by shifting your focus elsewhere.

This is something you can do when you trust and know you are worthy and enough to have what you want and need.

Your feelings can't really hurt you, it's a feeling.
Denying your feelings and issues only makes them grow.

It's safe for you to feel and it's possible for you to heal yourself whole.

Please remember, you are enough and lovable even when you feel anxious and struck by fear- accept yourself as anxious in that moment is the guidance I often give to my clients.

Are you struggling with anxiety or overwhelm, or other emotional patterns that prevent you to enjoy your work or life fully?

If so I can help. You may also check out the rapid transformational healing workshops here.

Also, I'd love to hear your thoughts about this! Did you go through something similar when you became a mother? How have you overcome anxiety or issues with overwhelm?

Much love,

Jenni

P.S. If you need any help with getting unstuck, become free from the emotional and mental patterns so you can enjoy yourself, your life, and work and expand from that place, I have limited spots open for my 1:1 Stuck to Success & Flow program. We go through a unique healing process using the proven methods that help you transform your beliefs thoroughly and wholeheartedly. My next availability for the new clients is in August 2021. Book a Clarity call to get started.